Resolutions...

For the longest time, while I was growing up I didn't know what resolutions were. I prentended I knew what they were for years, then one day I looked it up. So now that I've got it figured out, last year I tried to join in the crowd and make resoultions for New Years and then I forgot about them a week later. But this year is different... I'm going to stick to the plan because if I do I will come out of 2012 a better person. Although my list may be rediculous. If you shoot for the stars and hit the moon, its OK. But you've got to shoot for something.

Train my dog to be the best canine companion.
Write a book.
Become a You Tube celeb.
Visit with friends more.
DO MORE CRAFTS.
Run/ hike more.

Pray er' day!

Read more.
Move out.
Be a great leader.

Love more.
Sleep less.
Be more organized.
Learn how to play Ukelele.
Learn a new language.
Adopt one of those world vision children.
Start a fundraiser to send children to school in India.
Buy a sewing machine.

Well there you have it folks. Those are my resolutions, although I didn't want to make any becasuse they usually don't happen it was a spur of the moment kind of thing and now I posted them to the world and now maybe somebody will keep me accountable if anyone even reads this.

Much Love and Many Blessings
Have a wonderful and safe New Years!

I usually always forget that I have a blog...

So I know its been awhile since I have blogged but no worries I'm still alive but barely breathing.

As you may know there is ten days until Christmas (aka the best holiday of the year). I however have been struck with mild depression, high blood pressure and frequent panic attacks. I guess you could say the majority of this year has been made solely of poop. And as crazy as this sounds I think I would rather live through Kaleo than going back to May on-ward.

I am finally ready to say it... I miss Kaleo and I really do love all those crazy people I did Kaleo with.

If your willing to hang in there and listen to me rant about how this year sucked I promise I will write an inspiring or at least up beat conclusion paragraph at the end. For those of you not willing feel free to skip to the end.

It all started in May, I was forced to live with out my best friend and love of my life Tee Baines for three long months, as his decisions led him to the north where he would later find his fortune as a tree planter. I however stayed home and kept myself busy working two jobs and going to school. I nearly drove myself crazy and I found as little time as possible to enjoy the summer. It was my first attempt at waitressing and I learned quickly that this is not what I want to do with my life. So I got inspired by many of my classmates at the time to pursue a career in Nursing. There really is no down side to go in the direction of nursing and actually it opens a lot of doors none of which I can open yet but the thought is nice. I also found that I have a mad passion for biology and crazy phobic feelings towards English and writing. Ironic I know.

Then one day I went to work at my not waitressing job that I love and at the end of my shift my mom came to pick me up which was a tad unusual considering it was a lovely summer day. I asked her what she was up to and she told me that she bought some fish for the pond in Betty's dog yard with tears welling up in her eyes. For those who dont know, Betty was my 16 year old yellow lab that I had come to love and appreciate SO much in the last 2 years. Immediately I knew what had happened but I pretended not to. "What happened to Betty?!" The dreaded words leaked from my mother's mouth like poison to my heart, "She passed away." Apparently the old girl had a tumor that the doctors couldn't locate next to her heart, she was suffering from edema and her old body just couldn't take it any longer. We knew it was coming but I tricked myself into thinking she was going to get better and live as long as me.

I carried on life upset about the loss, hating my job and stressed out about finishing up courses with exams and papers due. What got me through the next week was the knowledge and hope that Tee would arrive home soon. And I quit my job. So now that Tee was home, I was only working one job and school was done (until September) I was free to relax and enjoy the summer August was gone too fast. September came with the excitement of starting a new school year and... woot woot the achievement of attaining N status driver. Taylor loves me more now. However not too long after (2 days) I got hit my first car. PRAISE THE LORD IT WASN'T MOVING! I was in a parking lot almost not moving then I really stopped moving and couldnt figure out why so I gave it more gas. Then I figured it out but by then it was too late the damage was done. Thankfully the owner of the car was super nice about it and offered to pay half the damages. It was yet another hit to my driving esteem.

I had been feeling empty. Ever since my beautiful Betty had gone my house was even more lonelier and empty. My mother felt the same way. So I got on the internet and with out any warning my pals Victoria and Sarah and I ventured up to Courtney and picked up a puppy. My father was sooooo not impressed to say the least. He wouldnt talk to me for a couple days. But nevertheless my fam welcomed her home like a new born baby. She is so loved. KC is a siberian husky cross malamute that often gets mistaken for a wolf. In November I realized how important is was that I had gotten KC. My grandma who has been struggling to stay alive for years now had gotten sick in the summer and had gotten a bit better but the sickness never really left had gone into critical condition and my mom spent the week living at the old folks home with her. My mom came home so depressed from being around dieing people she needed that special puppy hello that KC never fails to deliver. And I know that sounds so cheesey but honestly in the winter people get so depressed and puppies help. A week later I got news that my best friends mom who is also friends with my mom has days to live. She was fighting a case of hepatitis that wasnt going to leave and all I could do was ask God, "Why?!" This was so not fair in my mind God only lets the people who do know Jesus die because they get to go to heaven. Its not fair for the ones who don't know Him to die. I went on praying and praying and praying for a couple weeks for a miracle, who knows if one happened but the death of her I now pray would send the chain reactions of miracles to the family and friends. Two deaths in one month is more than Mary can handle I have only known 1 person close to me ever dieing and I was young then so it didn't really hit me. But these two gems passing have hit me like a ton of bricks, hard and heavy. With the sadness of this, stress of school, work and Christmas (I haven't even started my Christmas shopping) the anxiety and panic attacks kick in once again. So what do you do? Well I waited it out until school ended for the holidays (which was today) and had a bath, quit my job and I baked more than enough cookies for the Christmas season and I start my shopping tomorrow so wish me luck on that.

In other news, on Saturday I am going to a funeral and a wedding on the same day. Talk about mixed emotions! I also have a staff party that night but I doubt I'll make it that far.

I guess that sums up my year of poop.

However, as smelly as this year has been I know I have learnt a lot from it especially that life isn't always as fun as you want it to be. You have to just roll with the punches and hope that rest will come and have faith that God has a better plan in store. As for my future I look forward to relaxing over the holidays and then in January I will start five new courses and finish two other courses. In February if all goes as planned I will hopefully be working for Vancouver Island Health Authority ethier in the kitchen or janitorial or as a clerk and then start my nursing program in the fall then become a doctor and then specialize in something and then do missions everywhere!!!! So basically I have my whole life planned out. Jk It will probably change next week.

Thanks for reading my poop.

Much Love + Many Blessings

and Happy Holidays!!!

Shake the dust off your feet.

This year has been a roller coaster of emotions. It has been a constant battle for my sanity and happiness. When things start looking greener the grey clouds and rain storms comes pouring down on my parade. It has been a lesson of humbling myself. Which is what I needed and I still need to do from time to time and I understand that reality checks are needed (the world does not revolve around me). However this week started out pretty rough and I was down in the dumps not wanting to come back to Kaleo but knowing full well that it was necessary. I prayed that God would change my heart so that I could return with a renewed spirit and a desire to be here growing with these people. That night I was anxious to come back not really excited but not wanting to stay at home. It was good returning to Qwanoes after a week of being away and I got excited when I saw my long lost friends Michelle and Anna. But I am now in the dumps again because they are gone and life is confusing and hard. Living in community is fun at times and it has all the potential to be enjoyable. But quite frankly it is easy to be forgotten about, to be the one that no one thinks of. This is me being selfish, this is me ranting. I was never a quiet person until this year. I loved being around people and having conversations with them, I never got awkward and always said what I had to say even if some one else had something better to say. So this is a good thing that I am no longer that person? I feel like all the fun has been sucked out of me, that I am now like the fun sucker, the person that sucks all the fun out of everything. I am quiet and if I don't know you I am awkward. I avoid people in stores or on the street that I walk down because I am not sure what to say to them or how they are judging me. Because other people I live with may want to say things louder than my voice can handle I decided this year to not be the one with the loud voice or the one who wants all the attention and strives to fit in and be the one every one is "involved" with. I sit alone in my room being sad and wanting to do something fun but having no fun in me to create an adventure, no fun in me to hang out with friends. And I know I am not the only one who feels this at the moment.

I live with many amazing people whom I love and love to be around. No one in this community should feel unloved because all 26 of us have so much love to give. This is Satan attacking us with lies and deceit and blaming others for all our problems, this is what happens when we let our guard down. The devil gets in and God is pushed aside. This is my problem, I can not place the blame on other people for not loving me enough or excluding me, this is when it is crucial to love even more and give abundance of grace. So many times this year I have wanted to give up and cut these people or circumstances from my life but we must hold on to hope. The hope that this community will change, we will love more, be gracious and patient towards one another and focus our eyes on God so that He may teach and rebuke us. Each flower grows at a different time and it is a slow process. I want to know how to change I want to know how to make a difference I want to know how to be genuine without people thinking I am fake.

This has been a year abundant in lessons from Papa and I am not finished learning yet. I have so much further to go, this is just the tip of the iceberg, this is just the beginning. I love the way that the Father works in our lives and uses the people around us, weather it be hard or easy, let us rejoice in what the Lord is doing in our lives because He is never done working His mighty magic.

" Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." -Philippians 2:1-4

Story

In Donald Miller's book "A million miles in a thousand years" he talks about his story and what he discovers makes a good story. I finished reading this book last week and it was good. I got half way through it and not expecting it to get better I thought to myself that I had to finish it so I can say that I read it. (That is usually the motive I have for reading most books) But half way through the book I found myself really enjoying the book. I really like sub-plots and this was filled with them that's why I liked it.

What makes a good story?
Sometimes it is a lot of action and a major conflict, it could also be the way the story is told. Every one has their own story, each story has the potential to be something excellent and good. However most people sit around and wait for something good and exciting to happen to make their story good. I happen to be one of those people who sit around and wait. After high school I was overwhelmed with options of going travelling on vacation, or living and working somewhere exotic, long term or short term missions, going to university, what classes to take in university, which one to go to? There are so many options after high school that me being an indecisive person has no idea what to do with any of them and end up doing nothing with all of them. So it is time to decide once again what to do with my life? What path will leave me with the best story? Which choice is the one I need most? I really don't know what to do but I know if I don't do anything I will continue to float around waiting for something to happen and if nothing ever happens. All I will end up accomplishing with my life is the act of getting old. So my plans for this year are subject to change but a plan is the start of something that could make a great story. I am hoping to upgrade a few courses from high school in the summer and in September go travelling to where ever my heart desires (if I can't get into any of the programs that start in September), when I am tiered of travelling in January I will go back to school to accomplish something. However, God might have other things planned for me so things could drastically change He does like to keep life full of surprises.

If you have any really cool suggestions for me to do next year please feel free to post them on here as a comment.

All the good things that come near

So these past couple weeks have been amazing, apart from me getting a cold worse than I have ever had before. I have been able to take the time to take a breath. I have come out of the clouds of winter and been able to see the hope and light that is a head. I am not sure if it is the vitamin B tablets I have been taking or that life has brightened up but my days are sunny even if the sun isn't shining. A couple weeks ago Taylor surprised me at church by telling me that we were invited to an elderly couples house for dinner this Friday evening coming up. I was thrilled but have never met this couple. The women ended up introducing herself to me last Sunday, as Audra and although she had invited me to her house she didn't even know my name. Her excuse was that she simply wanted to get to know Taylor and I better. Little does she know that this had been an answer to my prayers. This year has been a huge growing year for our church and I had been comfortable watching it grow from a distance and hanging out with the people I always hang out with. However, I love old people. I am intrigued by there stories and wisdom. When I came home from church I was procrastinating packing for our missions trip team building out trip to Victoria last week and went into my friend Sarah's room to discuss packing for the trip and I told her about my invite to Audra's house. I ended up confessing how much I want to get to know the congregation. There is so much that can be learned from each other and so many new faces to be introduced to. We both talked about how much we enjoyed the company of elderly people.
Two days later when we had gone to Victoria, Sarah and I were hanging out in Value Village because we had a couple hours to shop around until we headed back to Crofton. We sat down in the furniture section to rest but we also needed the time. When we looked over there was two elderly men involved in conversation sitting in the chairs close to us. One of them was wearing a watch. Sarah being led by the Spirit asked him for the time. Some how that small little question evolved into a conversation lasting forty five minutes with our new friend Sam. Sam was a world traveller and professor that taught at a bible university. He had many stories and much wisdom to offer Sarah and I. We prayed for him and he prayed for us and he introduced us to his wife Lillian. All three of us as we sat there chatting could not stop thanking God and praising him for this situation. Sam had been to India and had some stories of India to offer Sarah and I as we prepare for our trip and he gave us his mailing address and phone number so we could contact him after and tell him how it went. I could not help but say " You are so good and you love me so. Thank you Father!"
My cold is clearing up I am just battling the reminance of a runny nose and I am getting back to physical training but its hard to motivate yourself when you are on reading break and all you want to do is read and sleep. But victory came today as I motivated myself to get outside the door and ran to the track (which might sound impressive if you didn't know the track was literally just behind my house) I managed to run a whole big lap. I ran it all and then ran right back to my house. Lame I know but it was colder outside than I thought. I saw an icicle today, I think it might snow tonight it is so cold out. Tomorrow I will try harder and maybe dress warmer so I can run two laps.

THE END IS NEAR....

DUN DUN DUN...
We have concluded our class "Introduction of Theology" and I learnt a lot. I'm not sure really how to expand on that but quiet frankly I got really freaked out. I decided it would be a good idea to google "the rapture" and well the result I found was not the result I had expected. There were many websites that had come to the conclusion that the Great Tribulation will start THIS YEAR! Rosh Hashana (September 23rd) of 2011 to be exact. This made me shiver with fear and overcome by the desire to run away from this hole and start living my life. However it gave me great comfort to know that no one knows when this Great Tribulation will begin as much scientific evidence you find Jesus told us in Matthew 24:36 "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." Still there is the hope that I will die on earth before this happens, I feel that when our faith is tested I will fall away and forever perish.

This web site wasn't any help either.....
home.flash.net/~evt/rapture.htm

I decided that we still have time to enjoy life and live it to the fullest because the anti-Christ has not been made know and therefore Christ will not come.... yet. We still have at lest another year in my mind. Apparently people have been thinking that the end is coming since 1980. This is proof that no one knows what they are talking about.

On another note Kaleo is picking up pace and in four weeks all of us will be leaving to venture on the start of the missions trips! India team has just a month to prepare physically which is a little unsettling to see how unfit I am still and knowing that I have a long ways to go much further I need to reach my goal. I am not sure what my goal is physically but I know I am lacking in the muscle and cardio department. I ran for 10 minutes the other day and it felt like I was about to die. However, much prayer is going into this trip for us and the people we meet in India so I know God is faithful and he hears our prayers, we will not die.
Anyhoo... that is all I have for now, many blessings and much love!

The fruits that come from struggles and perserverance

Just this past weekend the Kaleo's went over to Missions Fest it was a nice get away from the things going on here at Qwanoes and the life that is currently overwhelming me. It was long and exhausting days that were very insightful and inspiring. There was so many warriors fighting for the kingdom and fighting for social justice from around the world sharing their stories and speaking into our lives. Amazing it was. And as I sat there watching and listening to the words coming from the film "freedom fighter" I was taken aback by the truth that from struggles and perseverance in our lives there is fruit being produced for the kingdom. Which led to the realization and the reality that this year is hard and that is the beauty of it. If it was easy then where would the fruit be? There would be none. This hard stuff is good, this pain and suffering is good and now I can have peace that everything will be okay. The shadow proves the sunshine.

Today I found joy.

So sorry its been a while... I have no excuse. However the Kaleo's went to Mount Washington the past week after a very intensely stressful week of homework and fundraising. I still have a crazy amount of funds to raise and time is running out. I am so greatly blessed and thankful times a million for those who have already helped and support me. The homework situation is too deep and I can't even start to think of where to begin. I really want to get rid of this stress and anxiety. I want to be normal again. I want God to be my best friend again. I get it, this is character building but I am sure that all the people around me are tired of this crazy version of what should be me. I know I am not like this, at least I know I never used to be like this and I know that God does not want me to be this way. But with all this pressure what am I supposed to do. How am I supposed to deal? Well.. if anyone has any suggestions please feel free to throw them out here.

Mount Washington was amazing! It was very relaxing and I had an awesome bonding time with Sarah which was great because she has been someone I wish I had known since September but for some reason we are only getting to know each other now. I love it. I also realized how much I love snow boarding! We started giving out Kaleo names which I think is a cool idea I'm not sure if it is all that meaning full. The words that go along with the name are more important for sure which makes it better. Anyways my name is "Abundance" I don't really remember why something to do with child like faith and over flowing delight. I think its because I like to eat buns while dancing.

Today was a stressful but amazing day. I did my first ever soup and bun fundraiser at church which went over really well I thought. I was as usual, completely stressed out and hard to get along with which ended up in an emotional mess. However Steve and I managed to raise a good amount which gave me hope for reaching my goal. I now have $500 towards my India missions trip and have $2700 left to raise. I think this on top of school and life is too much for me to handle. Please be praying for my sanity. February 1st is the deadline. God is big I just need to remind myself of that and leave it up to Him to work his magic.

Lynnea, Steve and I all went to our church youth group for the first time which ended up to be an even bigger blessing than I had thought. I got to hang out with some youth I have been seeing and chatting with in Sunday school and build on those relationships and also run around and get some exercise playing doge ball (training for India). It was sweet. I realized that this type of ministry is my strong point and I got a strong sense that God would call me to helping in the youth group after Kaleo is done. This is what I have been waiting for all year. After youth was done I felt a huge weight off my shoulders, I can breathe again. Take a breath Mary everything will be alright. Many blessings and much love, Marizzle.

The day stress kicked the bucket.

This year is different. This is year is the beginning of something good. Every body is back from holidays and we started our second semester off with a week of theology in mission. I was amazed to see the transformation that took place in everyone over the holidays. The majority of Kaleo's came back with renewed spirits, and ready to take on this next semester. Although my break was very relaxing and much needed, it has only been a week and my stress level has rocketed back to where it was last semester. I received an email saying I was on academic probation and I knew that was coming because of all the classes I took last semester and failed. I am okay with that. I know that there is so much more than just academic learning here at Kaleo and yes it would be nice to pass even a course or two but whenever I get stressed about school I turn to God and say, "Do what you will, I will try but I need you so that I can try harder". He assures me that His will for me at Kaleo is not to stress out. This is my new years resolution for 2011. However this year presents even more reasons to get stressed than before. If I continue to fail my courses I can get kicked out, if I don't raise $3250 in less than a month I won't be going to India, if I don't stay positive and hold on to hope I will continue to go on a downward spiral to Hell, if I don't pass my drivers test I will let it expire and never know how to drive, if I don't apply for school now I won't go to school in the fall. Writing this down has made me aware of all the pressures that are present in my life. I can not handle all this by myself. I need God who cares even for the lilies and the grass.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matt 6:34

Today will be the day stress ceases to exist in me.